I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
