Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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