I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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