I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
