I accidentally had phone sex last night
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
