I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
