you traded sex for a burrito?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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