What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
