he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
