you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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