U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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