I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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