We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
