im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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