i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
