he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
