help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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