Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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