I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
