I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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