The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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