life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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