This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
