my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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