I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
