Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
