I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
