I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize