my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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