So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
