she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
