I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
