She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Watching her eat just hurts me
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
