I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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