i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
