My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
