The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
