I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
