Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
