there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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