just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
