if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
