CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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