I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
