everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
