need another drink. this is the easiest way
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
