Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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