Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
