You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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