You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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