Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
