last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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