when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
