I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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