i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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