I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
